I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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