On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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