So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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