he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
