I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
