No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
