Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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