Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
