I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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