There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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