I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
