I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
