I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
