literally had 100 drinks last night.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
