If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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