If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
