I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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