I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
