My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Semen is not good for contacts.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
