I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
