just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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