I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
