Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
