Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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