sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
