he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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