Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
