I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
