Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
