There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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