I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
