capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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