I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
