omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
