woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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