Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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