Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
