Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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