Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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