Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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