so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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