shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
