why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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