dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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