I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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