Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
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