What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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