i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
