i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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