She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
