This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
