saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
