Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
