after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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