If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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