when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
