so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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