i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
