When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
