god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
