exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
